I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Randomize
