Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
