my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
