after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
