I accidentally had phone sex last night
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
