You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
