My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize