You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
