My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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