Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
