fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Holy sore nipples Batman
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
