i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
