I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just saw a hot homeless man
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
