I am spending my child support on dildos
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
