He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
