she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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