"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
