he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My life is pants optional.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
