I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
