Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
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