my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
