I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
