This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
