i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
