You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Randomize
