I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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