Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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