I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also, beer. Big fan.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
