i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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