I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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