he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Someone shattered a urinal.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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