How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
