I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
