Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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