Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
