R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
COCAINE IS GR8
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
