Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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