Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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