Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
