The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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