He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
