I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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