This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
