God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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