Your dad touched me again.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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