i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
