I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
