Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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