I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
