Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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